Written by contributor Arianna Carlson of For the Love of Motherhood

“Because there is no one way to be a perfect parent, but there are a million ways to be a great one.”  Kelle Hampton

Whether you are a stay-at-home or working mom, being a mother can be one of the most difficult things that you have ever done. There will be days that make you wonder if you measure up, if you’re doing you’re best, if you were even meant to be a mother.  You will doubt yourself, judge yourself and feel inadequate.  You’ll compare yourself, blame yourself and maybe even wish you weren’t a mom.

It’s during these times, I reach out to other fellow moms because I know that there is someone else out there who is feeling exactly the way that I do, perhaps even at the exact time.

Moth•er•hood is defined as the state of being a mother.  To me, motherhood is a test of endurance.  Most days, I know I’m a good mom.  Some days, I don’t even care whether or not I am, because I can just look at my son and know that I’m doing it right.

Motherhood is like a sorority, a group of women who fully, and wholehearted understand exactly what you are going through.  There are no words needed, explanations to be given, or excuses to be made.  We’ve been there, done that.  We know exactly how you feel.  It sounds so cliché, doesn’t it?

For me, my biggest challenge is not about being a mother.  I love being a mom.  Sure, not every single moment, but on the most part, I enjoy, even long for moments I can spend with my son.   I find parenting fulfilling and valuable.  I derive pleasure from playing with hot wheels, finger painting, and molding play-dough.

My struggle is more about finding the time to connect with myself outside of my role as “mom.”  As moms, we give so much of ourselves to our children, and expect so little in return.   Lately, however, I’m realizing that it’s time for me to be more than a mom, to remember that the more of myself I keep, the happier I will be for my family.   If we don’t look after ourselves physically, mentally, and emotionally, then there is very little left to give.

So, what do I enjoy doing outside of my work and taking care of my son?

As if that’s not enough to figure out, what also gets pushed by the wayside is time with my husband, or the time and space to be a wife.  In today’s fast-paced world, husband and wives gets squeezed between morning rituals, sports, activities, meals, laundry, bath time, bedtime, and everything in between.  Our high-tech immediate world all so often means that texting and emails supplant conversations, either via the phone or face-to-face.  It’s a challenge finding the energy at the end of the day to just connect, even if only for a few minutes.

For today, though, I will not dwell on not being good enough, nor worry that I’m not measuring up.  Instead, I will celebrate Motherhood and take care of me.  Happy Mother’s Day!  How did you celebrate Mother’s Day this year?

-  Photo was taken by the very talented, Katie Witt of www.KatiePhotog.com

“To live and love wholly again, you must mourn. You will not heal unless you allow yourself to openly express your grief…

Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself. And never forget that the death of a parent changes your life forever.”

~ Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Written by contributor Arianna Carlson of For the Love of Motherhood

The morning of April 16, 2003, the phone ran, I glanced at the caller ID: “parents.”  In the last few weeks, I had grown skittish at the sound of my phone ringing, holding my breath, and releasing a sigh when it was anyone but my “parents.”  It wasn’t that I didn’t love my mother and father, wasn’t close or wanted to hear from them— it was fear.

Fear that every time my phone rang, it would be the moment that would change my life forever.

I took a deep breath and answered, momentarily thinking I should let it go to voicemail, I knew the moment I had been fearing was becoming a reality.

“Hi Arianna, your father is in the hospital and the doctors say he doesn’t have much time left.  They will do what they can to keep him alive until you can all get here, but they recommend you come as quickly as you can to say good-bye…”  The conversation went on for a few more minutes, I’m not really sure what I said or how I left it, but the next several hours felt like a slow-moving nightmare.

A few hours later, I found myself landing at JFK, being picked up by my brother, Fabio, and immediately rushed to NYU Medical Center.  Family and friends filled the waiting room, but there was no sound.  Silence filled the room. Through tears in my eyes, I looked at my mother, and had no words.

I went in to see my father.  (Sigh)  I made it!  I had gotten there in time.  Although he was unconscious and probably unaware of my presence, I was able to see him for the last time, to hold his hand, hug his warm body and say good-bye.

But how do you say good-bye to your own father?   How do you let go of the one man that has been your greatest supporter, most influential role model, and your deepest love?  You just stand there and hold him until… I didn’t want the story to end this way.

Whether it’s a sudden loss, you’ve had months to prepare, or it’s a natural progression of life, it doesn’t even matter whether your relationship was close or distant, nothing prepares you for the death of a parent.

After a death, you go through a range of emotions from one moment to the next, eventually one day turns to another, and before you know it, it’s been ten years.

So much has happened in the last ten years, moments that I couldn’t share with my dad.  Moments that I wished, more than ever, with the greatest pain in my heart, that he could have been there for:  to meet my husband, my wedding day, the purchase of a new home, the birth of my son, and every non-monumental moment in between.

The first year was the toughest, I called it the year of the firsts; first Father’s Day, his birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year and finally, the anniversary of his death.  The years that followed seemed to get easier, but there are still those occasions, when I least expect it and am unprepared, that leave me breathless and longing for him.

So often I have reached for the phone to call and ask my dad a question, to toss an idea around, to get his advice, or to share some happy news.  There have been times where I have felt his presence, smelled his cologne, or heard the sound of his voice.  When this happens, I stop, take a deep breath, close my eyes and relish the feeling that he is still with me.

And if I could, this is what I’d say to him today.

Dear Papi, You taught me that I could do anything I set my mind to, to never give up, to be independent and perhaps against your intentions, a little too strong willed.  You wanted me to be loving, compassionate, patient, and giving. You supported my decisions and allowed me to make mistakes. You were my go-to, my advisor, counselor, problem solver, and biggest cheerleader. You were, before I met my husband, the smartest man I knew. You were a role model, hardworking, determined, dedicated, selfless, devoted, respected, and, perhaps against your intentions, a little too strong willed.  I will forever be a part of you, and you, an even bigger part of me.  I love and miss you deeply.  Love, Arianna.

Sketch of my father is by the talented Diana Fogarty Daino, my sister-in-law.

Written by Josh Solar of The Happy Family Movement

You know those days when you pick up the kids from school and EVERYONE is grumpy GRUMPY (they’re REALLY grumpy) and you feel like you’re going to lose your mind? Yesterday was one of those days for us. The ride home from school was not pleasant. Yelling, fighting, kicking each others seats, kicking the dog, throwing things. Oi!

When faced with situations like this, one has a few different options. You can succumb to the stressful situations and lose your cool, adding to the noise and making everything worse, or you can find a clever way to surprise them and turn their day around. I sent my wife a text saying the kiddos are GRUMPY! and we needed to figure out how to cheer ‘em up.

My wife, the genius that she is, quickly ran to our stockpile of dollar store water guns, filled up 5, left 3 (one for each kid) on the top of the steps (we live in a split level house). She patiently waited for them to walk in the door and blasted ‘em! Max and Ava ran up stairs to escape, saw the guns on the top of the steps ready to go, grabbed ‘em and joined in on the fun. Lia, our little spitfire, decided she wanted to be mad for a few extra minutes, but then she decided to have a blast as well. We proceeded to blast each other with water guns for the next 10-15 minutes, laughing, running, and turning what could’ve been a terrible night into the start of a wonderful evening together.

Now, you may be saying to yourself, I would NEVER have a water gun fight inside the house! And, that’s ok, indoor water gun fights are most definitely not for everyone. The point of this post is to think about fun ways you can turn a day around. Silly string? Have an art project ready to go? Talk to each other only with walkie-talkies? Dance party? Jenny and I could’ve made the decision to be grumpy with them, accept that the evening was lost and go from there, or we could send them into a state of wonder, joy and whimsy by surprising them with an indoor water gun fight.

What are some ways you have or can bring a sense of whimsy to your kiddos when they’re having a rough day?

When I stumbled across the Peterson Family blog, I instantly felt inspired and connected. Heck— they purposefully chose to live in a trailer with a kid!  Since then, I have been stalking their blog to see how they live and what they have learned through the experience  Along with detaching themselves from material possessions, they also found more quality time as a family and have grown closer through it all.     —Jen Hansard

Written by Michaela Peterson of Livin’ Lightly 

Over the course of two years, we decided to sell 95% of all we owned.  I quit my teaching job and we’re currently in the middle of fixing up a ’66 Airstream Trailer to live in and travel with.  Our priorities didn’t line up with our lives and we decided to do something drastic about it.

Our lifestyle is certainly not for everyone, but one of our biggest priorities was time with family, and that’s something we feel like everyone can do.  It can take some preparation and planning to make intentional family time, but it’s worth it!  We want to share with you what we do for intentional family time and maybe you’ll find some ideas to incorporate into your own.

Family Fun Friday!

Every Friday we take the whole day to spend intentional time focused on our family (you may only be able to do an afternoon or evening and that’s OK!).  We try to do almost everything during the day together, we make meals as a family, clean the house (yes together), and get out to do a fun activity.

Here are some ideas for your own Family Fun Day:

1. Make your meals together.  We like to jazz it up a bit and make our Family Fun Night dinner one that we don’t normally make during any other day.  We often choose to make breakfast for dinner.  Let your kids in on the fun by letting them mix the pancake batter, pour in ingredients etc.

2.  Get out of the house.  In the winter it may be hard to get outside if the weather is too bad or if it’s raining (but it would be a fun adventure to gear up and do it anyway–think snow men, forts, snowball fights).  When the weather cooperates, we love to simply head to the park and swing together,  play frisbee or explore on a walk.  It’s also fun to walk around at a local farmer’s market, explore a downtown area by foot, go on a bike ride, or have a fun picnic lunch at a favorite outdoor location. Some of our favorite indoor activities, that still get us out of the house, are thrift store shopping, going to local children’s museums or visiting nature centers.

3.  Do something a little bit crazy or different.  This can be anything from dancing around your living room to some fun kids music, playing dress-up with your kids (even the older ones may enjoy this, especially if you add made up skits you need to act out to go with costumes), building forts out of blankets and chairs, or making a make-shift puppet stage, decorating paper bag puppets and putting on a show.

I know when I taught primary grades, they loved it when we would do a backwards day where we would start at the end of the day’s schedule and end at the beginning of the day.  This is where you could do breakfast for dinner and dinner for breakfast and switch some of the day’s routines around.

4.  Have some worship time or downtime together.  This is a great time to make sure that the TV is off, computers are unplugged and all focus is with your family.  You may even want to make it a little special and light some candles.  I enjoy playing guitar, so we like to sit together and sing songs during this time and read aloud from a favorite book.  If you have older kids they may even enjoy taking turns reading out loud while the rest of the family listens, then engages in meaningful conversation about the material.

Whatever you do, the most important thing is that you do it together and that it’s on purpose!

I would love to hear your thoughts and ideas or what you already do for family days or family nights.

Written by contributor Arianna Carlson of For the Love of Motherhood

“Sticks and stones may break my bones
But names will never hurt me.”  – Unknown

I’d argue that whoever wrote the popular nursery rhyme didn’t have a four year old who called them names.  Not just names, mind you, but straight to the heart hateful words, like “I hate you,” “I will kill you,” or “You’re an idiot.”

Really?  From a four year old?  What have I done to deserve this?

My husband and I certainly don’t say those things to our son.  He doesn’t watch television, or play video games, nor does he have toy weapons at home.  So, where does it come from?

I guess I could better rationalize this behavior if he were a teenager; although, for me, this is not acceptable at any age and it certainly doesn’t make me look forward to what’s in store for us in the coming years.  So what do you do when your child is being verbally abusive?

As parents, we are often faced with temper tantrums, heavy sighs, feet stomping and doors slamming.  It’s my responsibility to help my son learn to manage and express his feelings: to teach him to self regulate, to know his limits, and to find appropriate ways of letting his feelings out.

I validate, acknowledge, and empathize with him. I want him to feel heard and understood.  To identify what he’s feeling and to create a safe space where he knows he can be himself.   “Mommy can see that you are feeling frustrated.  I bet you’re upset because you weren’t finished playing and now we have to get ready for bed.  I wish we could play a little longer, but if we don’t get to bed, you’ll be cranky in the morning.” 

Sometimes, this dialogue works.  Other times, it will trigger a verbal attack about how much he hates me and wishes me dead.  How is it, that my four year old knows which buttons to push?  I wish I could say it doesn’t bother me, that I am so zen these words just roll off my back; some days I am spiritually fit and the words do roll off my back, but for the most part, they hurt.  They really, really hurt!

Of course, it’s during these times that I begin to reflect on the way that we are raising him. As with everything else, parents are role models to our children. If I am being completely honest, then, I’m not always the best example.  I lose my patience, am sarcastic, and antagonize him at times.  I fight with my husband, have road rage, and have been know to drop the F-bomb under my breath.  I instantly regret my behavior, hope it went unnoticed, and try to hold it together a little better the next time.

Nobody ever stops to ask me, “How did that make you feel?  I can see that my ignoring you makes you frustrated and I’m sorry.”  But I’m the parent and it’s my responsibility to actively and positively communicate my feelings with my own family.  Having a child gives me the opportunity to slow down, to speak from the heart, and, most importantly, to practice safe, emotional communication with not only with my son, but my husband as well.

A few weeks ago, I was reminded, by my four year old, of how much he does hear, take in, and model from us.  We were having one of those mornings.  My husband, in his frustration, asked Braden to just “shut up.”  He immediately apologized and we went on with our morning.  A little while later, Braden told him to “shut up” and I interjected, telling him it’s not okay to talk to people like that.  His response, very matter-of-factly, “But you are my parents and I copy you.  If you say it, then I think it’s okay to say and I am going say it.”  Wow!  Exactly.

So we take a deep breath, realize that nobody is perfect, validate, acknowledge, and empathize with him.  We apologize, ask for forgiveness, and try again.  Together, in time, with practice, we’ll all have a better handle at this.

With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, love is in the air (or at least the commercial aspect of it), so I’ve been thinking a lot about love.

What is your child’s understanding of love?  Is it about hearts and chocolates?  Or, more about feelings and actions?  Do you love someone because they help you with something, make you dinner, do your laundry, and read you stories; or do you love someone because they hold your hand, and give you hugs? More importantly, how do you teach a child to love?

As a mother, I must tell Braden I love him at least a hundred times a day!  Does my telling him so often take away from the meaning?  Does he also know that I love him by my actions?  Will he ever wish I had told him more often, or worse yet, less?

I recently asked Braden, “Do you know what it means to love someone?”  To which he replied, “It means you want to be next to that person all day long, and that makes you happy.  But when you can’t be next to them, you are sad.  Like when I go to school, I know you are on the floor below my classroom, but I want you to be in my classroom, so that makes me sad.  I will follow whoever I love wherever they go.”  For Braden, to love someone means to be in their physical presence, but being in their absence causes sadness.

I can relate to that.  I often miss Braden throughout the day, even if I’m running errands, gone for just a few hours, or if we’re both at school and I don’t see him during the day.  For those who don’t know me, I should preface this by sharing that I am both a mother and a teacher.  I am fortunate enough to be able to teach at the same school my son attends.  I don’t take that for granted and feel blessed each day that I have my son as close to me as I do, but even with that, I miss him.

Love, is both innate and learned.  It is both tangible and intangible.

I think most parents feel they show their child love by physical contact—with hugs and kisses and by the everyday tasks we do as parents.  We love our children unconditionally.  We provide for them, we nurture them, we give them what we can.

Yet this is just a small part of teaching children to love.

Love is also shown through example.  We can show our children how to love by the interactions we have with other people, and how genuinely and unselfishly we love others.

Having moved around for the better part of my adult life, I have friends scattered all over the world.  Some have been friends since childhood, others are more recent.  Some will span a lifetime, while others may be short-lived.  Whatever the impact, however the depth, each relationship is meaningful to me, providing me with not only what I need at that moment, but also allowing me to give of myself in return.  As Braden experiences these friendships through me, he can learn how to develop his own, and discover how he can make a difference in other people’s lives.

I believe this has a greater impact on the way children learn to love.  As they watch their parents interact in their world, they learn how to love and treat others.

It’s important to me for Braden to be respectful and loving to the people he comes in contact with every day.  This means eye contact, smiling, being polite, and saying hello.  Not only to the people we know, but to strangers as well. On a daily basis Braden can observe me holding the door open for the person behind me, letting someone cut in front of me in line, stopping to say good morning to the adjumas and adjushis at school, saying please and thank you when ordering a coffee, and greeting people with a smile.  It is my hope, that as he observes, he, too, learns to love in the same way.

It’s not enough to talk about love.  Nor is it enough to crowd love into pink boxes of chocolates, bouquets of red roses, and heart-shaped Valentine’s Day cards.  We have to teach children to become loving and caring human beings, and that should not be reserved for just one day of the year.

Written by contributor Josh Solar of The Happy Family Movement

We talk a lot about adventurin’ in our house. Big, grand adventures— like our 5-month trek to Europe happening in late 2014/early 2015. But, sometimes, we get so caught up in trying to adventure HUGE that we miss out on the tiny adventures found wherever/whenever we choose to create one. It’s no secret raising a happy, loving family takes a lot of work.

One of the keys we’ve found is to make sure we’re happy, as a couple. If we’re not happy, we can’t possibly put in the intentional effort it takes to keep the kids happy. So we make it a point to adventure together, without the kids every now and then.

A story. Last September, Jenny + I found ourselves in Southern California without the kids for a few days. I was in town for a conference, and was in charge of picking up some of the equipment. 3 stops, all over from Anaheim, to downtown LA, to Santa Monica, meetups spread out over a whole day. Jenny was a bit bummed at first, it was the only free day we had to spend together, the last thing she wanted to do was spend it running all over town. So, we decided to make it an adventure. In one day we…

• Ran through the J. Paul Getty Museum in under an hour (it costs $15 to park (!) but the first hour is free…and we’re super cheap!). I should also mention the building I really wanted to see was the Walt Disney Concert Hall, but alas, I got the 2 mixed up. We had a blast anyway…it’s a beautiful building!
• We parked on the PCH in Santa Monica and raced through the warm sand to splash each other in the waves (it’s no secret the ocean is one of my happy places)…
• I’d always wanted to carve our name in a tree, so I found one right by the true start (or end, depending on your perspective) of Route 66 and crossed that item off the bucket list. The Route 66 connection was key for this, because a few years ago, we drove the entire Route 66 with our kiddos…
• We laid in the grass for a bit, staring up into the blue sky, dreaming of what life holds for us…
• We ate at the best pizza joint ever. I had the BBQ chicken with pineapple

Here’s where the lesson comes in. We could’ve chosen to be grumpy about the circumstances. Running all over LA, fighting traffic for a day, or we could choose to make the most of it. We were intentionally looking for adventure.

When you make your decisions intentional, magic happens. We shifted our perspective and had one of the best days in recent memory. It’s important to have days like we shared in California, days to refresh, relax, recharge a bit, so you can give your kids the love/attention they deserve.

Check out our Intentional Parenting course if you’re interested in learning more about being intentional about raising a happy, loving family.

Written by contributor Arianna Carlson of For the Love of Motherhood

Today marks the one-month anniversary of the horrible shooting that happened at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut.  My heart continues to break, not only for the families of the victims, but also for all the parents, children, teachers and staff at the school and in the community. I can still see their tiny little faces as I imagine the fear they had in their last moments on this earth.  I hope they didn’t suffer, felt the deep love their parents had for them, and left this earth peacefully.

I imagine my own son, crying for me, and my not being able to save him.  I can see the look on his face seconds before he witnesses such a tragedy.  I can’t help but wonder what could have been done differently to stop this from happening.

Is gun control, arming teachers, or having guards stand at the front door of our schools the real answer?

I sound like my mother when I start to say things like, “I remember a time…” but I am a mother now and I do remember those times, and I would do anything if my child could grow up in simpler days.

“However we treat the child, the child will treat the world.”   

- Pam Leo

I don’t blame Adam Lanza’s mother, although there seem to be things she could have done differently.  I guess, then, I am blaming her, but as a mother, I don’t know what I would, or could, have done in her shoes.

Are our children who they are, or what they learn?  Can we, as parents be held responsible for the choices our children make?  We make decisions each and every day of their lives, which we believe will steer them in the right direction.  We act as role models, sometimes flawed, but, for the most part, our intention is to do the best that we can.

Yet even when those purposeful, well-thought-out decisions are made, we still don’t know the outcome.  Our children’s personalities, the way they behave, and the choices they make, are ultimately their own.

Adam Lanza wasn’t a child who killed people; he was a young man killing children and adults.  Adam Lanza is responsible for what he did, but he took his own life, making our quest for justice impossible.  But the question of responsibility, something far more problematic than justice, remains.

What we do about this now, in the aftermath, today, and in the future, demonstrates how responsible we are.  Will we take on violence, gun control, video games, mental illness, bullying, and hate?  Are we any closer to taking responsibility for the world we have come to know?   I don’t know.  But I do know this; if we don’t, our children won’t.

I take responsibility for my own actions and words, and will try and make a difference.  I will continue to be a role model to my son, Braden.  I will teach him respect, love, compassion and empathy, not only for himself, but also for others, and for life.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the families, friends and community of Sandy Hook Elementary School. I don’t know how life goes on after something like this, but somehow, it just does.

Our family has agreed to go another year without buying anything new. We did it in 2010 and it dramatically changed how we lived and what we put value on as a family. It rocked my world, but in an amazing way. It’s fun,  challenging and really makes you look at objects differently. Yet over the past few years I have slowly let material consumption creep in and have bought many things that I definitely didn’t need and, looking back, sometimes didn’t really want.

It just happened.

2013 Resolution: Buy nothing new for a year. It’s often called The Compact, and it’s a world-wide social and environmental movement where people make a one year commitment to stop buying new stuff. There are no official rules to The Compact— everyone can put their own twists and exceptions in their Compact.

The goals of The Compact:

• to go beyond recycling in trying to counteract the negative global environmental and socio-economic impacts of U.S. consumer culture, to resist global corporatism, and to support local businesses, farms, etc.
• to reduce clutter and waste in our homes
• to simplify our lives

The Family Sponge Compact of 2013

I am super excited that Jadah and her awesome family have decided to join us with The Compact. Together, we will be sharing our bargain finds, our struggles and our breakthroughs with it all. We would love to have more families join us. Maybe it’s a 3-month pact, or a 6-month pact. Start small and see where it leads. We invite you to be a part of this movement and would love to share your stories as well.

Where you can shop:
Second-hand stores (Salvation Army, Goodwill, Plato’s Closet)
Craigslist
Freecycle.org
Consignment stores
Local food markets are preferred (farmer’s market, local bakery)
Garage sales
Estate sales

Other ways to get what you need: Borrow from a neighbor, share what you have, make it yourself or even barter with someone.  

Exceptions:

You are allowed to use services such as movies, theaters, museums, massages, haircuts, and music downloads.
Underwear. I just can’t buy used panties.
Bras.
Socks.
Food.
Pillows.
Household cleaning supplies.
Health and safety items.
Automotive essentials (like oil).
Home repairs.

Additional Resources

The Story of Stuff
The Compact Yahoo Group: Full of questions, helpful information and a great community of over 10,000 people.
Stop buying and Start Saving
My Personal Experience with The Compact

Join the Discussion

Interested in joining The Compact or have questions about it, please share below!