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In her Shoes: When Hope is Taken Away

Guest post written by Arianna Carlson of For the Love of Motherhood

From the time we are young we have hopes.  We hope we’ll make friends at school.  We hope the cute boy will ask us out.  We hope to get into college.  We hope we’ll get a good job.  We hope we’ll fall in love, get married and have children.

As soon as we have children, our hopes become stronger.  From the moment we learn we’re pregnant, we start hoping.  Hoping for a healthy baby, first and foremost.  Then your hopes turn into wonder and dreams.  I wonder if it’s a boy or girl?  I wonder who he/she will look like?  What color eyes will they have?  Will they be smart, funny, shy or popular?

You start to imagine the day they are born, their first steps, words or loose tooth.  Their first day of school, first sleepover, prom and graduation.  Their wedding day and the birth of their own children.

How quickly this little being, you haven’t met or even know, fills your mind and heart. Then, just a quickly as you found out, you realize that this time it wasn’t meant to be.

The thoughts and feelings that overwhelming took over, don’t seem to leave you as quickly as they came.  Now, you’re left feeling empty and angry.  Angry because there is no real explanation.  Angry because there was nothing you did or didn’t do that could have prevented it.  Angry because you waited too long.  Angry because life took you in a direction you hadn’t intended.  Angry because you’re just a statistic!

Your doctors, midwife, family and friends all try to console you.  “Things happen for a reason”, “A miscarriage is your body’s way of knowing that this baby, no matter what, was not viable”, “You’re lucky, you already have a healthy baby”, “At least you know you can get pregnant, you can always try again.”

We are often reminded how precious life is and to be grateful for what wedo have.  Growing up with a sister with special needs,  9/11, when my father passed away, and the birth of my son, were all reminders for me.  But every day life, our egos, busy schedules,  and our desire to have more, sometimes get in the way and we just forget.  We forget to focus on the good and to be grateful for the abundance we do have in our lives.

When I finally let go of the anger and focused on abundance, I got a strong sense of what I needed to do, where I needed to be, and for what was truly important in my life.  It was then, that I realized, Braden and I needed to be in Korea!  Nothing else mattered more than our family and being together.

As much as I hate to say it, things really do happen for a reason.  Our loss, propelled me to make a decision I was too scared to make on my own.  A decision I wouldn’t have made if it hadn’t been for the gentle reminder that life is just too precious.

So now, I hope for … togetherness.  I am grateful for my husband, my son and all that we have!

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10 Responses to In her Shoes: When Hope is Taken Away

  1. Brooke August 21, 2012 at 6:12 am #

    Is so grateful we’re all here…thank you. ^^

    • Arianna August 22, 2012 at 5:33 am #

      Thank you, my love. Thank you for being such a big part of my healing process. xoxo

  2. Melissa Allen August 21, 2012 at 7:18 am #

    Beautifully written. Being a “statistic” myself three times….your open honesty is appreciated. Great article. I am sure many can relate.

    • Arianna August 22, 2012 at 5:28 am #

      Melissa, Thanks for your support. I’m so sorry to hear you went through this experience three times. I’m glad you enjoyed the article. It’s true, I do think many woman can relate. I hope this helps woman talk more openly about it. I know that would have helped me at the time.

  3. Kate August 21, 2012 at 7:58 am #

    Your words are music to my ears. These souls we carried for a brief time were our angels helping us to become stronger and more clear on what matters in life…I thank this experience.
    My faith became stronger and my sense of surrendering to the unknown became easier. I had to let go of what I thought would be a perfect life….and be thankful for what I had…. and I surrounded myself with friends and family during the time of grief .

    It is amazing what the human spirit can do for others.. I felt so loved during my grieving…

    One year later I was pregnant with Luke…. and more prepared to take on the joys and challenges of motherhood….

    Thank you Arianna.I love reading your articles.. we are so blessed with our famillies… and we are trusting that it is all perfect timing…

    • Arianna August 22, 2012 at 5:32 am #

      Kate- I’m touched by your comment. Thank you. I’m really sorry to hear about your loss. I’ve been surprised by all the woman who have come out to share their own stories. Why does it feel like such a dirty little secret?

      The little beings sure leave a lasting impression, don’t they! And the lessons they teach are remarkable.

      Thanks for sharing! We are blessed.

  4. Beth August 24, 2012 at 8:55 am #

    What an eloquent piece and important reminder that gratitude is often found in the depths of our sorrow. Your family is together and that’s a beautiful thing. Thank you for writing this.

    • Arianna August 24, 2012 at 6:59 pm #

      Beth- Yes, isn’t that the truth? If I look back, many of my life changes happened when I was deeply grieving. Perhaps it’s when the universe knows we’re listening. Thank you.

  5. Jeanie August 24, 2012 at 2:03 pm #

    Thank you for sharing such a personal, heartfelt time in your life.

    I, too, have 5 precious “Angel Babies”, and the grief can surprisingly show up when least expected!

    I never lost hope, I wanted to have another child so much!
    After 15 years, God heard my prayers, and blessed us with a beautiful daughter. She’s 16 years younger than our son, but they are surprisingly close, and seeing them together brings me so much joy! My son often comes and ‘borrows’ his little sister for a “Brother Date”. They return laughing, teasing, and full of fun!!

    My son is now married, but our precious daughter-in-law adores her little “sister-in-law”, and the peace that I have makes those painful years but a faint memory!

    Again, thank you for sharing. 🙂

    • Arianna August 24, 2012 at 7:07 pm #

      Jeanie- what an incredible story on so many levels! I can’t imagine the pain you went through each time you lost your baby, but you had faith and never gave up. All the while your daughter waited patiently until she knew it was time to join your family! Your son sounds like a wonderful young man! Thank you for sharing your story. You inspire me!

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